I was reminded this morning that God is always here, even when I don’t feel Him, especially when no one else is.
God is here, present, actively working on my behalf even when I can’t see it, even when times are hard. God is here when I feel alone, He understands me when I feel misunderstood, He loves me when I feel unloved, He wants me when I feel unwanted. God is here.
God is here When I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and my tribe is nowhere to be found, God is here, and doing all the heavy lifting, He is the best friend I will ever have, and the only one I will ever truly need.
No matter how much we may wish it weren’t so, life is hard, relationships are hard, communication is hard, work is hard. No one ever promised easy.
Right now people are struggling, everything seems to go wrong and either people fail us, or we fail them. No one is perfect, except Christ.
I want so desperately to understand why we are here because I left this life behind and I never hid my dislike of it. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated the opportunities that living on property afforded. It made it possible for me to stay home with the kids, but it was not all rainbows and butterflies. I appreciated the time to focus on the kids and the home, I appreciate it now. I understood what I privilege it was to be able to do it, as I understand what a privilege it is to do it now. Then, it was a choice we made because we felt it was best for the kids, currently I am not here by choice but God brought me here, to this place, at this time and I am determined to trust Him and see it through because I know that I am not alone in any of this, God is here.
It’s been over 10 yrs since we lived on a property that Michael worked at. I was certain those days were long behind me when I bought the house.
Those were dark years. Our entire life has been one long, hard road. It’s always felt like everything was working against us, and to be quite honest, some days we worked against ourselves and each other. I look back and can only credit God’s eternal grace for my children [the older two] not being more screwed up than they are, and trust me, they are truly testing, my patience and my faith these days. It seems like everyone is, if I’m being completely honest, myself included. It is like someone opened a deep well of anger, resentment and unresolved issues and I am trying very hard not to drown in it, because I know that if I can just hold on, and stay afloat, it’s bound to run out. Nothing lasts forever, except God. It is at times like this that I have to hold on to Him the most. I have to keep focused on Him.
I know that God is here, and I know He has us here for a reason, though I don’t pretend to fully understand what all of those reasons are.
I know that anger, resentment and unresolved issues can not be excused, overlooked or tolerated.
I also know these feelings are opportunities for us to draw closer to God, to seek His wisdom, to allow Him to lead us down the road to redemption and healing. It won’t be easy, it will take teamwork, both with God and each other, it will take effort on our parts, it will take accountability and consistency, and the willingness to deal with things long buried, by us all. Personally, I would love nothing more than to skip all over the messy parts, but I know that is not how it works, so I just chose to hold on to God’s promise for my family, and my life.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that the seeds of God’s truth have been planted and God is the perfect gardner. He knows His creation fully. He carefully, and gently untangles the weeds from the flowers, but the process is slow and painful, and sacrifices have to be made for the plants to grow and the flower to bloom. The weeds that threaten to choke the life out of the flowers have to be removed and no matter how patient and gentle God is in our process, the pain is inevitable, but worth it.
On God’s time the garden will be beautiful beyond our wildest imagination, but until then, it is carefully tended by the most capable of hands.
“O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! O God, if only you would destroy the wicked! Get out of my life, you murderers! They blaspheme you; your enemies misuse your name. O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you? Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you? Yes, I hate the with total hatred, for your enemies are my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.“
Psalms 139:1-24 NLT
“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of gods. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to the Lord of Lords. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who alone does mighty miracles. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skillfully. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who placed the earth among the waters. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who made the heavenly lights— His faithful love endures forever. the sun to rule the day, His faithful love endures forever. and the moon and stars to rule the night. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who killed the firstborn of Egypt. His faithful love endures forever. He brought Israel out of Egypt. His faithful love endures forever. He acted with a strong hand and powerful arm. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who parted the Red Sea. His faithful love endures forever. He led Israel safely through, His faithful love endures forever. but he hurled Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who led his people through the wilderness. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who struck down mighty kings. His faithful love endures forever. He killed powerful kings— His faithful love endures forever. Sihon king of the Amorites, His faithful love endures forever. and Og king of Bashan. His faithful love endures forever. God gave the land of these kings as an inheritance— His faithful love endures forever. a special possession to his servant Israel. His faithful love endures forever. He remembered us in our weakness. His faithful love endures forever. He saved us from our enemies. His faithful love endures forever. He gives food to every living thing. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of heaven. His faithful love endures forever.“
Psalms 136:1-26 NLT